Friday, September 24, 2010

Love/Hate Relationship

It is that time of the month again, the time I do my weight watchers post.  I have to say I am not really going to this month.  Why?  Well because I am losing the battle at the moment.  After my last WW post I was pretty proud of my accomplishments and feeling pretty good about myself-this always gets me into trouble.  I began to slack even more on the exercise and my food choices have gotten worse and worse.  Doughnuts, peanut butter pancakes, milkshake, cheeseburger, cookie dough, pumpkin bread....these are just a few recent foods that come to mind.  The strange thing is at this point I am still feeling okay with myself.  I know it won't last and in the very near future I'll go to put something on and I'll regret it all so much.  Right now though I don't.  Here is a sample of some of the self talk which gets me into trouble.
"I feel so carefree and happy not worrying about food all the time."
"I am a mama, my girls don't care about my weight, Mav loves me no matter what.  I don't need to try to be someone other than who I am."
 "Life is too short and denying myself the things I want just makes me grouchy, I am a better mama/wife when I am happy."
None of those thoughts are untrue.  Yet the even bigger truth is being heavy is not healthy for me nor a healthy model for my children.  Yes Mav's love is unconditional, but that is no excuse to give up being attractive to him.  The biggest truth is I see throughout my thoughts is that some how I equate food with happiness.   I'd like to deny it, but truthfully when I am with my family eating yummy foods it does make me happy.  I have struggled with anger and depression issues for years, anti depressants have saved my life.   So denying myself something that makes me actually feel and act better is hard and makes me wonder why I would.  I know food will always let me down in the long run.   I know it is a rocky relationship, abusive even.  But I keep going back with the hope this time it will be different.


  1. You have just put into words what so many of us struggle with. I have the same trouble denying myself one little donut, one extra cookie, etc. Thanks for sharing your trials and tribulations--you are helping a lot of people...sometimes just knowing someone else is having the same problems that you are makes it not seem so bad.

  2. I use the excuse of "Dan is a chef and his belly is bigger than mine. As long as mine is smaller, I shouldn't care."

    But then I catch sight of myself (especially when I am slouching) and I feel gross. Or when I still can't get back into the pants I wore before Liam came along.

    I know I need to skip the soda, and the cookie, the apple pie. I skipped ALL that and more because of the gestational diabetes. And that is another excuse I use. "Oh, I denied myself for so long, I deserve a treat!"

    Well, Liam deserves a mama who isn't so big.

    And even if Dan thinks I look good at any weight, I don't think I look good.

    Right now I don't even go for walks as much as I should. No sidewalks in the neighborhood, streets too busy, its too rainy... I keep making excuses.

    I also keep saying, "once Liam gets older, keeping up with him will make me get exercise!"

    The excuses are easy, making the actual changes are hard, especially when you throw emotions into the diet. I am an emotional eater as well. Too bad we can not have a Broccoli Salad that makes you feel as good as a milkshake or peanut butter pancakes.

  3. I love how open you are about these issues. I struggle with exactly the same thing. I have a terrible addiction to sugar. Have struggled with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and then back to sugar addiction. Right now I am on a 40 day fast from sugar...This is day 8 and I am feeling some weakness but only give in a little to some strong dark chocolate. This may help your cravings for sweet breads, etc...I love your honesty!! And your PINK scale. You are a healthy weight right now - or at least very you are doing great...It's maintaining that is difficult. We are all here to support you 100 percent.


  4. You put a voice to what many of us feel. I have struggled with my weight all my life but particularly bad the last few years, except now I'm not struggling I just stick my head in the sand & try to ignore it but it doesn't work and it isn't good either and I'm not even happy about it, crazy huh?

    I understand and you are certainly not alone!

  5. If you can't do it right now at this stage in your life, it's ok- a lot of us love you just as you are(and that is pretty darn cute and stylish) vintage Joann

  6. Well, I think you are beautiful. :) But, what matters most is how you feel about yourself. I pray that God gives you the strength you need find a healthy relationship with food. I also, wanted to let you know that I just started a new blog, it's a bit different from The Olive Tree Community, but I would love for you to visit me at The Wiferson Handbook. Blessings, Erin


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